This has been rattling around in my head for awhile now. I can't stop thinking about death. It started when my good friend Monica died back in May. That was such a blow and I had never experienced such a sad, untimely death that close to me before. I still think about her everyday. About her husband and son. About how she should be here with them.
My Grandfather died suddenly in November. He was more like a Father to me. I spent much of my life with he and my Grandma. I always told Craig that I dreaded the day I lost one of them. And then the call came. I couldn't really believe my ears. It was the first time I have ever received a call like that. The first time that I had lost someone in my family. To that point I still had all 4 Grandparent's, all my Aunts and Uncles, all siblings...everyone. I couldn't even take it in. I think about him everyday. All of a sudden something will make me burst into tears...it's always there on the surface. Waiting to bubble over.
A week ago, I found out a woman who's blog I read, died a sudden, tragic death. I found out about her through another friend's blog. I noticed her on the top of her blog list. She stuck out to me because she had 3 boys. She stuck out because she had become pregnant again and lost her baby girl nearly half way through the pregnancy. My heart ached for her. I became hooked and enjoyed checking in to see what her crazy life with 3 boys was like as well. And then I became pregnant with Alexis. Shortly after she became pregnant again. I waited in anticipation to hear the sex of her baby and was overjoyed she was having a girl! Her baby, Bella, was born 3 months ago. Last week she went in to get her tubes tied. She didn't feel well and they found out her bowel had been perforated. She died just days after the surgery. She died from having a routine surgery. She left behind FOUR children! One of which still needs her mommy to feed her. She's gone just like that. I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop the thoughts of fear that just keeping growing and growing in my mind. I don't know what to do with the fear, the finality. Why did Anna have to die?
And other stories I have heard through the past year that have stuck with me. Abby from "The Biggest Loser". She lost her husband, daughter and one week old son. Oh the pain. I can't imagine and yet that adds to my fears. While I was pregnant, hearing a woman died in her sleep while pregnant with her first child. Another died right after giving birth to her first daughter. I know we are supposed to trust in God but I am honestly finding that trust shaken. Oh how we prayed for Monica. She had an army praying for her. I just don't understand.
And I'm scared.
3 comments:
I soooo know what you mean. We both really have had more than our share of loss this last year. We don't know what God's plan for our life will be and how long we have to live it. Instead of fear I pray that God will give you peace. A peace that surpasses all understanding. Perhaps thinking of the impact those people have had on our lives and all of the good they were able to do instead of thinking about how quickly they seem to be gone. Big hug, Heidi.
I have been thinking about you. I know the feeling... I feel scared and anxious too. Big hugs to you! Hang in there. Love you!!!
Can I tell you that I have thought about writing a blog post like this SO many times, and have been afraid to even put it in words? Hearing Abby's story on "The Biggest Loser" scared the **** out of me, and I still think about it all the time, along with several other recent deaths of acquaintences or people I knew of online. Like you, I've never really lost a close family member and dread knowing that someday it will happen. We're not religious and this is one thing that makes me wish I was, because maybe it would give me some comfort ("They're in a better place," etc.)...not having any explanation for these things makes it so terrifying. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for posting that, because I could've written so much of it myself but haven't done it. And I'm so sorry about your friend and your grandpa!
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