A leave of absence

So I am dragging myself over to the computer to blog. It has been months since my last entry and it has been a very dreary few months.

Going back now to December. After arriving home from our trip to Colorado, I was still awaiting a certain "nuisance" to show up. Thinking the traveling and elevation was messing me up, I didn't think much of it...until "it" still didn't show up. Just to "toss that idea out" I quickly took a pregnancy test. I can't describe how FLOORED I was to see the two lines. I was never supposed to be pregnant again. My pregnancy with Jacob had endangered my life. I had given away my maternity clothes. All of my sweet baby boy clothes. Always wanting four children we had talked more and more about adoption. Picked up fliers from an agency. Looked at many different adoption web sites. And then there were two lines. The days to follow were a blur. I was terrified of what was to come. I knew I was a ticking time bomb but how bad would it be this time? So many people prayed earnestly that somehow this time would be different. That this time I could enjoy my pregnancy. But unfortunately, that was not to be the case.

At 6 weeks on the dot, I first threw up. I still tried to think positively, that maybe, just maybe it wouldn't be as bad. I had already visited the Dr. to obtain Zofran (a drug that is given to chemo therapy patients to reduce nausea and vomiting.) which had helped with Zachary but did nothing for me with Jacob. I began taking it. The weeks and months to follow have been terrible. The whole time spent in bed. New issues were added to this pregnancy with severe bloating and heartburn. No food, and I mean NO food, was appealing and I could hardly keep anything down. Today at 15 weeks along, I still struggle with being able to eat. I am trying to build my strength up by getting out of bed more but the side effects from the Zofran of fatigue and weakness, are not helping that battle. I tried going off the Zofran about a week ago and that turned out to be a very bad idea as the vomiting reared up violently and quickly. So upsetting to see that at 14 weeks the Hyperemesis was still going to strong! And in this time, I have not been able to enjoy the fact that I am having a baby! A new, sweet addition to our happy family. I'm trying to get there. I have moments of extreme excitement that quickly gets taken over by one fear or another. Or just by feeling so horrible. Or so completely worn out.

I'm not sure what to be striving for now as in the past, week 14 has been when I start feeling better. I'm thankful to be able to get out a bit more. I'm thankful that the Zofran has kept me hydrated enough to stay out of the hospital. But I am so desperate to feel like myself again! To like food! I tell Craig that as long as a donut still sound repulsive, I have a ways to go! So, here's to the day I eat a donut again and adore every bite!

*(and on a side note I am going to try and get myself to post more. I think it will be good for me and I have so much to share! So, hopefully more to come with cute pictures and happenings of the kiddos!)