I Want to Have My Cake and Eat it Too

The last week has continued to be a struggle for me. The pain is still there. The struggle to figure out how to "live" this way is mounting, not getting easier. I'm just down and trying to fight myself, and the negative thoughts that seem to fill my head no matter how hard I try and push them out. I am reading Max Lucado's "Just like Jesus" and there was an entry about focusing on God every moment of everyday. That means waking with him in my mind from the moment I open my eyes at the start of a new day to ending my day falling asleep in His arms. He writes of a man who tried to achieve this...literally being with God every minute of the day. This man kept journals of how difficult it was to stay focused but that when he did he felt complete and utter joy like he had never experienced before. So much so that nothing else mattered and everything fell into place. It really stuck out to me reading that today. That I want to come out of this place of misery and even more than that, be the complete opposite, basking in his love and perfection. This is what I will continue to strive for.